4 Foundational Cornerstones: Faith | Fellowship | Fitness | Finance
Aug. 1, 2022

Why You Shouldn't Seek External Validation & How to Stop

Do you want to achieve your goals? I'm sharing the solution so that you can get the results you want. The solution is to quit seeking external validation. 

In this episode you will learn: 

1. How social media affects our pursuit of external validation
2. The importance of staying in our own lane
3. How to deal with rejection in a productive way

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Remember that a goal without the necessary steps taken and implemented is just a dream!


Welcome everybody. Welcome back to another brand new episode of the Motivate Grind Succeed podcast. The show that gives you a hundred percent fluff free, guaranteed practical and useful tips. With every single episode, you can live up to your potential. No spam, no long intros, just pure information to help get you going.

If you're new to the show, welcome and I know you're going to get a ton of value from this week's episode. And if you're a returning listener, welcome back. A quick favor to everyone who is listening. As a matter of fact, new or returning, if at any point in time of this episode you get some value from this, I ask that you share this episode with somebody and go ahead and write what you think that the show is worth. So with all that out keeping out of the way, let's get right into this week's episode.

And this week we are talking about quit seeking external validation. That's going to be the goal of this episode. The information I'm going to be bestowing upon you today, does that mean it's going to be the title? I don't know yet. Still thinking about that.

But anyway, so if I'm looking up here again, I have some notes that I took down, so that's why I keep looking up there. Thank you again guys for tuning in today. And let's get started with this week's episode. So every day you're on social media, we're bombarded with posts on social media, constantly exposed to the newest, the latest, the greatest, all these devices and material goods and all these things are really nice. Don't get me wrong, they're really nice to have.

I mean, I don't have my phone next to me, but at the point in time it's recording, I have the latest and greatest Samsung S 22 Ultra, right? So I'm no strange to understand that these devices and these materials and these things are very nice. However, what is your purpose for purchasing these things? We're going out to annex these things or annexes status, value, whatever it may be, right? You may need a new phone, but do you need the latest and greatest every single year?

Right? So I know I just said I have the latest and greatest Samsung Galaxy phone, right, but the thing is, even though I have that, I got that so I can hold on to it for two, three, four years, right? I didn't get it. So I can go and get the next fold or the next S line phone when that one comes out. I got it because I plan on keeping that long term.

Why? Because I'm not trying to impress a bunch of people. I'm doing this and I'm getting this phone because it suits my purposes, it suits my needs, and that's what I'm getting it for. Your car has 30,000 miles on as another example. Does that mean it's about to break down and you need to go get a new one?

I don't think so. Buying these devices, buying these material goods. Again, like I said, they're really, really nice. They're really, really nice to have. And no one said you can't have any nice things in this world.

However, why are you getting them? Are you getting them because you actually need them? Or are you getting them because more of it's an addiction? Let me explain. When you get these devices and these material goods, it releases feel good chemicals in your brain, right?

This which is why you keep doing the things that feel good to you, right? You're not going to go purposely doing something that feels bad because that doesn't release the happy feel good chemicals in your brain and so you're simply not going to do that, right? So on top of getting the things that make you feel really good and add on to that when I mentioned before a little bit with social media, add on to that the validation that you could get by posting some of these things on social media, let's say just an influence or something gets a Lamborghini. Sure they might be happy that they got the Lamborghini, but they already know they're going to be getting even more validation when they post a picture of that Lamborghini on their Instagram or maybe have a video with it on their YouTube channel. Whatever it may be, they've got it there and they're getting that validation too.

And let's just say if this is what you're dependent on to make you happy all the time, it's not healthy. It simply just is not healthy. It's not sustainable. You're going to be keeping up with the proverbial Joneses and that's not something that you want to do. So the question is why do we do it?

Why do we always constantly seek external validation from others? And the answer I wish I could give to you is just a simple, straightforward, clean cut answer. But I cannot because the answer is simply not cut and dry, right? Some more common factors that might be why you seek external validation are things like maybe you have a lower self esteem based on life experiences and you're trying to compensate with something else. I don't know what the cause is, but whatever that cause is, you need to get to the root of what it is.

You must figure out why it is that you want validation from others and then you have to figure out why it is that you have that validation or rather why you need that validation from others and then switch it, as I've said in many, many episodes before, that you need to switch it from the external motivation to an internal or intrinsic motivation. And today we're going to be walking through four ways that you can stop seeking external validation. So let's get right into it. First of all, number one is to take a social media break. Social media allows other people to show you what they want to show you, right?

While someone's feed is full of images of them living their best life in Cancun or whatever and you're sitting there in your cubicle, you'll probably get some mixed emotions. One of them might be that feeling of you're stuck you're stuck in a rut and someone else is out there living their best life. But in reality, take a second and ask yourself, how did they get there? Do you know how they got there? What strings did they have to pull?

How much credit card debt are they in just to be able to post that picture? This isn't to say that everyone on vacation does not have the funds to do so, but rather, instead of assuming that they're living their best life, always try to think realistically and objectively about that situation. On the other side of the coin, the person on vacation posting these pictures, on one hand yes. If it's just someone trying to go on vacation yes. Or just enjoying their vacation.

And of course, obviously they should. However, for those people who are not going on vacation and posting those pictures just to say they went on vacation and their ulterior motive is for validation, that's what they'll be posting those pictures for. That validation. So what's the point I'm getting at here, right? The main TLDR is this.

Both sides need to take a break from social media. The person posting about all the things that they're doing with their life, all the fun things that they're doing that they're seeming to have fun doing, just remove those. Just take a break. You don't need it. And for people on the other end who are consuming said content, you also don't need it.

Take a break from that. Take a step back and be like, hey, yo, I'm living my life. I'm enjoying my life. I don't need to be constantly seeing what all these other people are doing because it's not doing anything beneficial for me. Think about it, right?

Think about it all the time. Sometimes I know I'm guilty of this too. You'll sometimes scroll through TikTok, and if you scroll through long enough, you'll eventually get to that TikTok that says, hey, wait a minute. You've been scrolling way too long. Maybe it's time to stand up or take a water break or something like that, right?

I mean, you've probably been consuming too much at that point. If you ever get to that point, that's when you realize, oh, man, I've been on TikTok for like, an hour. I've wasted a whole hour just scrolling to people's feed. And again, like I said, I still do it to today because sometimes TikTok are just plain old funny, okay? But at the very end of it, I think, wow, I just spent an entire hour on TikTok.

And how did that benefit me? It really didn't. Like, I can't even recall to you a TikTok that I saw five minutes ago because it was just a hit of dopamine after another after another after another after another. That's what keeps constantly having you scroll to the next one and the next one and the next one, because it's a constant hit. It's a constant stream.

Makes you feel good, makes you laugh, makes you giggle, makes you cry. It evokes emotion in you, so it keeps you going, right? So what you'll notice is when you take a break from it, you'll probably have kind of some withdrawal symptoms. You'll be like, man, I need that hit. I need that hit.

And you'll be like, let me just check Instagram for five minutes, right? It's not going to be like a scratching of your arm and scratching your body, like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I need instagram. It's not going to be like that, right?

Chances are hopefully, I hope the chances are going to be more so that you're going to say, let me just check instagram for, like, five minutes, right? That's the sign right there that you're probably addicted. Not 100% certain, but you probably are, okay? So that means you need to definitely take a social media break and do what all the Internet says of the dopamine detox and everything. I'm not going to get into that in this episode, but something along those lines probably needs to be done.

All right? Point number two. This point kind of goes along with the last point, and that is to quit complaining, right? You're in your lane for a reason. If you look at Olympic runners, this is an example I just came up with right on the spot.

So if you look at Olympic runners, right, olympic runners are all in their lane. If they cross over to somebody else's lane, they're now DQed. What does that mean for this? You're in your lane. You need to stay in your lane.

I think Joey Vontes was the person who made the song called Lane, right? And in that song, the lyrics go, driving in my lane. I'm going to do it by myself, staying out of my way. Something like that. I'm not going to go butchering his lyrics or anything, but if those lyrics are completely wrong, I apologize.

But the point of the song was that he was trying to stay in his lane, right? He was trying to stay in his lane. He's trying to do his thing, and that's it. That's all he's focused on, is just doing his thing and his thing alone, right? And that's the important part of trying to get at with this point, is that no matter what happens, you need to stay in your lane.

Don't be focusing on what Jimmy John over there is doing. And yes, I said Jimmy John's because I'm hungry, but don't be focusing on Jimmy John over there, okay? Jimmy John is doing Jimmy John's thing because Jimmy John has a whole different set of skills and abilities than what you do. Jimmy John might be good at drawing cartoon caricatures, but you're probably good at being, I don't know, being a fitness influencer. You're better at fitness.

He's better at doing some kind of art or something like that. That doesn't mean he's better than you in general. Sure, he's better at you than art because you weren't gifted in art. So naturally, yes, he's going to be better at you in art. What's the point?

You weren't given the ability to do art, so stay in your lane. Right. It just kind of makes sense with that. Right? That's the point that I'm getting at with that one, is that just don't complain about it.

Find what your strengths are. Work with those strengths and do that. Okay, point number three, and that is to befriend rejection. And, oh, boy, this one is a doozy. This one is one that everybody will always be talking about and focused on and just like, man, I got to do what now?

Yes, befriend rejection. For someone that craves external validation, rejection is the furthest thing from their mind as they want to be that person who does no wrong. Let's be honest. They want to be that person that does no wrong is always praise. They're always in the right.

But I got to break it to you. If you want to quit seeking validation from others, you're going to have to take some booze. You have to take some thumbs down. You're going to have to get rejected from time to time, and that's totally okay because we all can't be right all the time. Even with this podcast that I'm doing, right.

Even with some episodes that I put out, if I come across information that is new or groundbreaking or I said something that maybe wasn't 100% correct, maybe I didn't do enough research on something, I'll post an updated episode, I'll do a rescripting of the episode, and I'll repost something and say, hey, I made an oopsy daisy. I told you all to do this because at the time, it worked, but now something else better works because I'm still growing. You're still growing. We're all trying to grow together, right? So that's what it is.

Did I technically get rejected from that? If you want to call it that, yes. Maybe I'll get a comment or something. This doesn't work for me. And that could be a form of rejection right there, however comma.

That's the only way we're going to grow. Right. So what, am I getting hit with this? Right? You have to realize that when you're dependent on external validation or external motivation or anything of that sort, rejection is going to be absolutely detrimental to you.

What you need to do instead is take that rejection, or that would be rejection or what you perceive as a rejection. Whatever word you want to use, whatever you want to call it, take that. And instead of taking that and just running with it and saying, oh my God, people hate me. I don't want to do this, I don't want to do that. Now take that and say, okay, now how am I going to improve?

How am I going to do better? This could be used as constructive criticism. Even if someone absolutely hates me or they absolutely hate what I'm saying, that's fine, okay. Because they're in such a small percentage of the people who will actually do that, someone genuinely hates what I'm saying. All that is just them portraying their insecurities and shortcomings onto someone else because they can't take accountability for their own actions.

And once you solidify that fact inside of you, you're just like, this person really doesn't want me to succeed. That just means that they're upset with themselves because they couldn't push themselves to do it. Once you understand that, you literally just feel like Hulk or Superman when bulls just bounce off of you. Or like Iron Man when they're shooting guns at him and the bullets just bounced off of me just standing there taking it, but nothing's penetrating his armor. That's exactly how you feel.

So befriend rejection. Learn to get rejected a lot, whatever it is, whether you're going out and talking to people or you're trying to make some business partnerships, or you're trying to be a guest on someone's show or something, or maybe you're trying to help somebody else in the gym or trying to bestow some wisdom to somebody. Whatever it is, whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Go out there, get rejected, guarantee you it'll do you wonders. And final point for this episode is to embrace a growth mindset.

So with this one, it's kind of a branch off from the last one, right? And embracing rejection allows you to also improve in your mindset by forming a growth mindset. So what do I mean by this? Well, I talk about mindset and all those kind of things a lot on the show. And a growth mindset simply just means always being willing and ready to learn something.

That's it. So when I talked about embracing rejection, that was a mindset shift for you, right, to learn how to embrace rejection. If you took that and you're going to start working with that, that means you are already naturally in a form of a growth mindset because you're open to new information. You're open to experimenting with that new information, and you're open to trying new things to be able to better yourself in the long run. That's a growth mindset.

Put it into an analogy so I can wrap up this episode here. Think about a plant. You plant the seed, you have the seedling, and it starts growing up into whatever plant that it is, right? Is the plant ever telling the sun, oh, wait, don't come up yet. I'm not ready to accept the sunlight?

No, not yet. Wait, I'm not prepared. Now, you never see the plant saying that or acting as if it's not ready to do that, right? The plant is always eagerly waiting and anticipating sunlight. And we should be the exact same.

We should always be eagerly awaiting the next lesson that we can get from life in order to improve ourselves in any way, shape or form that we can. So that's all I have for you today. So to begin your journey of quitting the need for external validation, you should start by taking a social media break. If you need to quit, quit. Quit comparing yourself to others as it does you no good.

Next, be friend rejection. And finally, what you'll want to do is embrace a growth mindset. And guys, that's all I have for you today. Thank you so much for joining me today on this lovely Monday. And I'm going to be bringing this week's episode to a quote.

Well, assuming you listen to us on a Monday, but that's not a Monday. Anyway, thank you for tuning in and I got three quick things for you to do before you go. Just subscribe to show if you found it useful or like the show, follow the show. Whatever platform you're listening on, go ahead and give the show follow, subscribe whatever you want so you'll always be in tune for next upload, follow me on social media. The links to that will be in this episode description.

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